Looking back on the person I am, I hate to admit that I can't communicate, and my instant reaction to problems is to pretend that they don't exist.

And I suffer from being unable to build meaningful relationships. I often lament about how empty my life feels, and how people do not care about me. SL started to point out to me that it's not a case of people not caring about me. I have a problem in not being able to communicate and relate to others. Worse, I only want friends to see me at my best, and try really hard to hide all of my vulnerabilities. That itself, is a major cause of isolation. At the end of the day, everyone sees a perfectionist as unapproachable, and hard to associate with.

The problem has been going for so long that I can't even see what is vulnerable in me. Everytime a negative emotion hits, I try to sweep it under the carpets, or just sleep on it. A new day would eventually come, and it will be burried deep in my mind. At the turn of every misunderstanding, be it on my part, or on someone else's part, instead of clearing the air, I'd just run away. I hate to question things, because I'm afraid of the truth. Or rather, I'm afraid of the preconceived negative picture of what others may think of me behind all these misunderstanding. It may or may not exist. I get worked up, and would only think of the worst of myself, and of others. These practices start to get a little too comfortable and grow into an incorrigible habit, until I start reaping the consequences.

There have been countless relationships I've given up on, by just running away. Looking back, I feel ashamed letting go of friends who have been so important to me, or a relationship that I might have able salvage and bear fruit.

Indeed, I have really created a huge fairy tale out of my life. Often, people would tell me how much they envy me. But, what everyone don't see (or believe) is, I am often quite an unhappy soul. Something might amuse me for a short while. Be it a successful project I have completed at work, or a compliment from the boss, and, extending to material things like, purchasing yet another new handbag for myself, or a holiday with my sister or friends. Happiness is merely a short stint for me. It might have to do with the lack of contendment. I seem to have an insatiable hunger for everything, and don't know where to stop.

But the real challenge is to decide, who can I bare my heart to, and who can I really trust? Things tend to get abit too complicated at times.

Afterall, what SL has said is true. Only people who has exceptional patience and bond with me would make an effort to initiate the communication. Or, a mind-reader who takes interest in my life? With this, I have to thank my dad for not giving up on me, although I have been pretty strong-willed in my ways and have acted against his advice all the time. No matter what happens or how far I try to run, he would always be there with his gentle confrontation. All for my own good.

Anyway, I'm considering closing this blog, and starting another annoymous one elsewhere. I have been wanting to get back into writing for abit. Both reading and writing has always been an enjoyable mission to me. Lately, I find myself with much incohesion and my language has been plain, and infact, pretty unappealing.

Photo updates of my life will still be posted in my FB account, which will hopefully, come across alot more subdued and meaningful than before. Just to get rid of the frivolous fairy-tale image...

I know that many friends would hop onto my blog every now and then. If you wish to have access to my new blog, just email or drop me a message on my msn =)

Sure, everyone will, at some stage, realise that life isn't always like a bed of roses. But if I were to turn back time, I'd rather savour those happy, carefree days, as opposed to putting it to an end so abruptly. Silly I was!

Obviously, I didn't quite expect the detorioriation.

As every new day presents itself in an ever more gloomy picture, the zest for life evaporates. Nothing means anything to me anymore. Sweet wine tastes as bland as water and, the sky no longer looks attractive in its deep blue shade. Emotions begins to wane, and I wonder if I could feel anything at all.

It all feels very strange to me, and I just can't work out what is best for me to do now. Am I just bursting into one of my moody, emotional tirade? But didn't I just mention that I'm left without much emotions in me?

An atheists' advertising campain on many of the London's public buses reads,

"There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life"

I think it's hilarious. This advertising slogan seems to remind me how I have lost all faith in everything- justice, ethics, religion, relationships, you name it.

Religion, to me, is just about another political organisation. If you're not clear, think about the motivation behind, say for example, Crusades and Holy wars then. I have spoken blasphemy? I might have, to a fair few.

With religious issues aside, how many of us actually question things under the layers of superfical conveyance by the multi-media and perhaps pause to think about why certain things are included, or excluded from our history education?

The truth is, we're living in an immoral world today, but yet, I don't understand why we still bother trying hard to pretend to be moral beings. So, maybe, if there's at least one thing that is real, it has to be conscience. I'm somehow glad that I don't have to graduate and become a teacher. How could I teach and supposedly inspire the lives of others when I don't even know what is moral and what is not now? Everyday, I wake up to these grey hues, and struggle with deciphering colours of black and white.

A real persimistic post for today, isn't it? My cynicism is getting infectious. I'm probably reading too much into things again. I probably just need a carefree break soon, to get myself outta the trap.

***************************************************

There are brighter things than this of course. I'm a vain somebody, who loves to capture every moment of my youth, the moment where a particular style clings to me like a perfect mould.

This would often materialise into vanity shots, which I'm convinced to keep with me for the rest of my lives, and look back with great fondness when I'm old and grey.

And there we are, with fine food again on a lazy Saturday, at Bonnefoi Boulevard. It's one of my favourite places in Bunbury, with sheltered waterfront and an upmarket feel. A new hotel along the stretch, I think it's Mantra, had its official opening recently. I'd think that it's going to be great!

Looking at all these beautiful things around me, in these suburban areas I've been living in, coupled with a few ideas I have read from a novel recently, makes me feel like wanting to do a little tour package and just bring people to experience an insider's world where most travel agencies do not offer. Travelling can be so affordable and enriching without forgoing simple luxuries.

Lastly, I've finally enjoyed a good saturday with SL, without any emergency calls to attend to. The last few weeks, back from weeks leading up to Christmas have been one hell of a trying time for us. We do hold differing priorities in life sometimes, and understanding needs to be especially strong for us.

The desire for couples to try and make time for each other is important. If the promise to grow old together, and stick together for better and for worse has to hold, then time commitment to nuture the relationship is of essence. The longer a relationship is allowed to deteriorate or taken for granted, the harder it is to get it back up to scratch.

I'm looking forward to the long-awaited break. Hopefully, no last minute surprises as before!

So, is there anything else for me to write about, besides work grouses that revolves around the same theme of being over-worked? I guess not actually.

My emotions had been whirled up after a strange conversation with someone today. I call it strange, because the topic just popped up from nowhere, and it felt as if it had hit the core of the problem I have been trying to bury at the back of my mind. Or perhaps, there's more reasons for the huge wash of emotions. And it's really strange as certain fond, but reserved memories came flooding in.

And then the conversation moved on to something a lil' uncomfortable. Or perhaps I'm just overly-sensitive. Anyhow, I knew that the conversation has to stop. One, for practical reasons (I would like to be working during working hours). Two, I'm not sure, and am afraid of where the conversation is heading.

People do change over time. It felt especially so with that someone. Oh well, I'm probably reading into things abit too much.

I remembered the lingering pain in the eyes of ex-lovers, as I secretly observed the hug that Jo and Ad gave each other on her last day of work here, about 2 months ago by now. Love does brings us both happiness and sadness. All of a sudden, the flame of love flickers, and you realise that both essence of emotions waivers with it. Parting with each other then seem to be no chore at all, as everything gets lost in the wind. If only all breakups are that amicable of course! For we all know, love usually ends in pain for the unwilling party.

I'm not sure what I'm really driving at actually. I just need to get the anxious little butterflies out of my stomach. That's all.

On the other hand, I'm feeling kinda afraid of my own changing behaviour and preferences. I'm basically quite afraid of meeting new people and hate going to social events nowadays. Even if I do, I'd be cringing with shyness at a corner, and praying secretly that the misery would be over soon. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life. All that is comforting is to hide in my hole and be a loser. I'm hating somone at the back of my mind for making me feel inferior about myself. By now, those words and actions have taken away quite a chunk of me. I hate those poison, and I hate myself even more by allowing someone to do this to me.

I don't want to sound like a half-crazed fool by getting all emotional. Getting my priorities right is the most important thing at the moment. What I need now is get myself ready for the next level of challenge, and reap new success in my life. I'm not refering to career per se. This must not be the only thing we strive for in life. I need to rebuild myself and the happiness I wished for. Something can be done to get things right again.

And finally, may I extend the well-wishes that I have sent via SMS to a few friends in Singapore to anyone who may see this:

"Dear friends, hope you're looking forward to new goals and continue to nuture meaningful relationships in the coming new year."

Sent on NYE

For I know, there are always many spots in this world where many others are going through a greater deal of challenges in life. Hope this brief (and not so personal) greeting would brighten your day.

P/s: I now see a whole new meaning in blogs- as we read into the lives of others, we see a part of us in the mirrors of their lives.

Just a quick random post...


The stock take audit went okie on NY day. It was a huge rush, and quite a mission to tabulate the figures in time for the auditors while fighting against the hunger pangs and half-alert state from working the night before. My panic button was triggered as time closed in for the audit to commence. Whatever it is, I'm glad that it's finally over, for now.


Went for a drive after work that day, and here are some photos...

More from today... I'm becoming quite a foodie recently. Have found a new love in Northern Indian food. And it was Chicken Butter Curry from the Ship Resort on Friday night.

I'm jumping right into ASOS sales. A peek at what I've got...

It's prob a wee bit too small. Wait till they arrive then =)

Yes, I have changed my blog's banner, and given it a fresh coat of colour... For a new look in preparation of 2009. Hee, it sure looks cheery, but abit too pinkish to my liking. Oh well, will do something about it later.

I'm not going to have enough time to enjoy the transition from 2008 to 2009. In fact, it might be quite a wobbly start for the new year as I'm now paying the price for procrastination, and the depressive mood that has inadvertently affected my work performance. Never mind about the hyper-activity I'm suffering from overdose of MSG from my instant noodles and canned soups, the big heap of work that is going to creep into the weekends, the 16-hour day I'm expecting for tomorrow, or waking up early in the morning for the mad rush on New Year's day. And scrap the crazy week leading up to the audit which clashes with my assignment deadline too.

The bottomline is, I'm making it happen... I'm going to be a carefree sparrow next year. The long haul of breaks from work, and catching up with people I care (my sis, my family, Ag, Map, Amy, the uni bunch, the poly bunch, you girls are all included, hehe...) I'm going to travel a bit too, perhaps a trip or two by myself to somewhere I have never been before.

Unrealistic goal it may sound. There's always a time to make up for the pain one goes through and the hard slog I have put in for the past one and a half year. I have learnt quite a lot, but it's time to think about the passion I'd like to pursue this lifetime =)

Photos from Sat's lunch at Wise Winery (they were the sponsors for our Melbourne Cup Lunch, remember?)...

Wineries have some of the best dining experience, ranging from great table service to atmosphere, and of course great food to go with the wine recommendations.

The Margaret River Wine region is dotted with so many fine wineries that I would recommend visitors to be selective if you are just planning for a day trip. Do your homework well. It's only natural that many would opt for the top ones that sit on spectacular estates. With trial and error, and the help of recommendations from friends, one will find a few personal favourites from the huge lot. I love Margaret River for its upmarket wine and dine experience =) When the bill came to a $100.00 for just entree-sized lunch of 2, I wasn't at all surprised!

What's more, there're equally many wonderful sights around the region.

Bunker's Bay

Christmas and reflections

It was a frustrating Christmas Eve, with lots to finish at work, and I really didn't plan to leave early. My stifled emotions had a grip on me that afternoon. I weeped a few tears of anger, and decided to call it a day.


The rest of the afternoon was spent on gorging a ridiculous amount of (unhealthy) food. I was about to open up a bottle of wine, when SL came home. He wanted us out for dinner. I didn't want to take those negativity out on him, like a wild and uncontrollable fire.


So, I arrived at the restaurant, dressed in my bright red maxi dress, munching on a huge bowl of caesar, almost believing that I could eat up all of my unhappiness and forget about them. The restaurant was pretty quiet. As I understand, Christmas is a family affair over here. Somehow, the festive season has made my emptiness more pronounced than ever.


Despite the big plans of having SL's family over for the long weekend, I felt really upset inside me. A lot of thoughts came across my mind as I playfully swirl the glass of water. With the year coming to a close soon, the inevitable question popped up- how can I make my life better?


At this time of the year, most corporations would have finalised off their budgets. For those who are familiar with budgeting, they would have realised that it would be impossible to even start punching figures on your spreadsheet without knowing the general direction set for the upcoming year(s). With a common general direction in place, managers can then work out the kind of goals (or challenges) they would like to set for themselves, and the action plans to achieve them.


I now have a critical question to answer- what is going to be the general direction for my life next year? What kind of goals I need to achieve for myself, in order to fulfil this direction I have set for my own life, in order to live it up, for the betterment of my physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being? And what action plans?


For all I know now, as simple as it is, I would like to be happy and emotionally healthy. It is going to be a life-long direction for myself. I need to be realistic with my goals. Too many goals can cloud the direction that was once clear and straight-forward. A goal that is too challenging to tackle at a given stage in life will only set your morale and motivation for life back.


As human, we can only strive to achieve our goals, set aside time for self-evaluation, re-align our goals if neccessary. More importantly, we fight, and learn. We become stronger as we confront ourselves from time to time, keep our undue fears and worries checked.


2009 might be gloomy as predicted. But all I hope is that it will get better for me, as I shut the noise out from others, who tried to direct me with what is best for me. I appreciate the kind thoughts and advice. But, I'm the rightful one to make decisions for myself and take responsibilities for them. After all, it's really my life.

"Life is short, so be very happy"

*****************************************************************************

Some photos to balance up the serious tone of this post...

Dinner at Spinnakers Cafe- 18th Dec

Christmas Eve Dinner- Spinnakers Cafe







Christmas function lunch

Time is running tight. Just a couple more days to go before I close off the financial year. I could feel this immense load pressing against my chest. It only gets heavier by the day. I haven't been sleeping well, and I'm clouded by this daze all day. I couldn't do a thing at all today. It's becoming a real chore to force my mind back and work on what I should be doing. Not even on the road (Holy shit, believe it or not, I almost hit someone today. I must never drive again in this state).

Well, I guess at this stage, I'm ready to walk out. It just seem like nothing matters to me anymore. Not my career, not my studies, not love, not hatred... Absolutely nothing!

Dear Santa, all I wish for Christmas is to run away from here...

Here I am wandering in the cyber-space again, taking in unwanted information that would only serve to over-stimulate my busied and cluttered mind. I have been waking up to deep swirls of confusion every morning, trying to make out what is real and what had been a bad dream.

Some days ago, I had the worst nightmare ever. I dreamt that I was possessed and died a violent death from drowning. I heard a strange voice trying to forewarn me about getting close to the waters. Having no control over myself, I couldn't escape from that tragic fate. I remembered vividly how painful it was a process to die, with no control over my actions. My fingers tried to grasp, but the indefinite liquid just slipped through my fingers, with my chest beating and breaking into painful bursts. I woke up, numbed by fear, wondering whether I was dead, and resurrected in another dimension. Dying felt so real.

Just this morning, I was jolted awake by my alarm clock from another violent dream, of myself running away on a dangerous aircraft. I didn't really know where I was heading, but for sure, I was dodging from something that was watching me. All these night-long dreams I had sure made me wonder if I even slept a wink at all these nights.

It felt as if, with every effort I have gathered to focus on the mad run of figures at work, those characters on my screen just seemed to jump about with a proportionate amount of enthusasium. My concentration just had to melt and dissolve into an even murky concoction as the day wore on. I could hardly make it past lunch time. It was a tempting thought to just make up some excuses and go home early to catch up on sleep. I just knew I couldn't do that. My staff seemed to be much more productive than me, and I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time for my facade to break, and everyone would be able to read my weary looks like a book.

Sometimes, I really have the urge to just push over the table and announce that I had enough. Or probably flash that vulgar finger at everyone and say, "FxxK all of you", before I take off in a flight? Two friends of mine have already told me that they're ditching their unhappiness (from work) and looking elsewhere. I just want some quiet time to think about what really makes me happy. FxxK that degree that I'm working on if I need to. If finance or accounting isn't my cup of tea, fxxk it then. Why would I care about something as superficial as having a great career to show off, when there isn't one bit of happiness left inside me.

I can barely make it to the end of the financial year. With 22 more days to go, I'm already huffing and puffing from the annoyance of unrelated people, and my bosses (if you don't already know, my work encompasses a wide scope. IN ADDITION to the already overloaded duties within the Accounts Department, and sometimes Front Office issues, I'm also required to deal with HR matters, involving the dirty job of handling unhappy and unreasonable people. And yes, fxxk you all for non-stop harrassment).

There's just not much fight left in me to meet the deadlines and handle the auditors when the time comes. Wish I could really run away, to a place where no one knows me.

FxxK, FxxK, FxxK!

Travelling and loving life...

After many nights of reading bits and pieces in my half-asleep state in bed, I've finally finished "Ooh La La! A French Romp" by Ann Rickard. As promised in the synopsis, it was a great read, based on the hilarious narration of an anxious first-time tour operator, taking a group of eight to explore Southern France. It makes me fall deeper in love with France, and painted an image beyond the Effiel Tower, or the glittering luxury boutiques of Paris, but of true accented charm of the so-french streets, culinary appreciation and bustling markets in the greater region outside of the city.

I have even found a photo gallery that gave visual descriptives of the tour!

Someone made a comment about anyone who loves France is one that has shallow obessesions for superficial creations. I beg to differ. In my opinion, I think loving, embracing and preserving any beautiful things in life is celebration of life in its own league.

Only wish I could realise a grand trip, and have as much exciting tales to write about! If only I could cast away the cares of what'd happen at work, and not think about tomorrow for just as long as the span of my trip... Only if I could spend some days doing nothing at all, but just lazing by the pool, enjoying the foreign landscape, and translating my beautiful adventures into lively tales on my laptop.

As it is, beautiful things can happen, only if you allow it to. I'll have to think of a way somehow then.

Now, I'm starting on a new book, Bitting the Big Apple, by Bella Vendramini. It's a book about New York, one of the most exciting cities in the world! With so many places tagged on my mind, I probably should stop spending on handbags and shoes, and learn to save up to realise my dreams of a globe-trotter.

In the meantime, I'm satisfied enough to try make each day as fulfilling as possible. Be it chasing the beauty of nature, or just appreciating the simplicity of life. It feels good whenever I could let let myself have the chance to sit back and watch the world go by, in such a fashion where time and space become not a subject to me.

I have been pretty satisfied with my Saturday.

Temporary Relief

All work no play does really make me quite a dull toy...

At least, since crossing the big hurdle of handling clashes of exams and work deadlines, I felt much better. And perhaps good enough for a lil' celebration of some sort.

It was a ridiculous amount of dining out the week before, trying out new places in Busso, and attending a birthday celebration in Bunbury. The following weekend was a getaway to Perth City for more dining and shopping. If you don't already know Busso (or Busselton in full), it is a tourist region that is a 3-hour drive, south of Perth City. After living for 2 years in WA, I thought it'd be quite strange if I were to announce that it's my first visit to King's Street ( a renowned area that is lined with luxury boutiques and top local designers stores). And everywhere's on sale just before xmas- a sure sign of bad times!

Anyway, King Street is lovely. We (SL and I) stopped by a chic side-walk cafe to rest our feet from shopping, and I love doing people-watching there. Needless to say, I'm totally in love with the awesome street scene.

I'm spending way too much, as if the recession doesn't exist at all. But according the multiplying effect of a dollar, I'm actually doing the economy some good isn't it? Plus, when inflation is higher than bank interest rates, what good does your money serves sitting in the bank? Hard to explain... but I'm really not being funny, esp after finishing a whole SP on Econs, I think I'm being pretty rational here.

Oh well, I'll save that for another day =P

If there's anything about working in hospitality line has done for me, I'd say the perks (ie. good food at no cost), had fatten me up quite a bit!

Look who's talking about ill-controlled buying impulse!

(Above: You won't believe that this was taken in Perth City!)

It's the most beautiful time of the year!

Got this at the 30% Bally Sales. I'd say it's the most decent amount of money to spend on shoes, made out of soft calfskin leather, and heavenly to wear!

Don't ever catch me winge about waiting for others, when I'm usually the one who is late!

Dessert at Hilton (below) was great! It's worth every cent!

And thanks Ju, for putting us up at your place. It's a lovely place, and I like the idea of doing some aromatherapy while in the shower! It's a bliss!