Live, Love and Laugh

Here I am wandering in the cyber-space again, taking in unwanted information that would only serve to over-stimulate my busied and cluttered mind. I have been waking up to deep swirls of confusion every morning, trying to make out what is real and what had been a bad dream.

Some days ago, I had the worst nightmare ever. I dreamt that I was possessed and died a violent death from drowning. I heard a strange voice trying to forewarn me about getting close to the waters. Having no control over myself, I couldn't escape from that tragic fate. I remembered vividly how painful it was a process to die, with no control over my actions. My fingers tried to grasp, but the indefinite liquid just slipped through my fingers, with my chest beating and breaking into painful bursts. I woke up, numbed by fear, wondering whether I was dead, and resurrected in another dimension. Dying felt so real.

Just this morning, I was jolted awake by my alarm clock from another violent dream, of myself running away on a dangerous aircraft. I didn't really know where I was heading, but for sure, I was dodging from something that was watching me. All these night-long dreams I had sure made me wonder if I even slept a wink at all these nights.

It felt as if, with every effort I have gathered to focus on the mad run of figures at work, those characters on my screen just seemed to jump about with a proportionate amount of enthusasium. My concentration just had to melt and dissolve into an even murky concoction as the day wore on. I could hardly make it past lunch time. It was a tempting thought to just make up some excuses and go home early to catch up on sleep. I just knew I couldn't do that. My staff seemed to be much more productive than me, and I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time for my facade to break, and everyone would be able to read my weary looks like a book.

Sometimes, I really have the urge to just push over the table and announce that I had enough. Or probably flash that vulgar finger at everyone and say, "FxxK all of you", before I take off in a flight? Two friends of mine have already told me that they're ditching their unhappiness (from work) and looking elsewhere. I just want some quiet time to think about what really makes me happy. FxxK that degree that I'm working on if I need to. If finance or accounting isn't my cup of tea, fxxk it then. Why would I care about something as superficial as having a great career to show off, when there isn't one bit of happiness left inside me.

I can barely make it to the end of the financial year. With 22 more days to go, I'm already huffing and puffing from the annoyance of unrelated people, and my bosses (if you don't already know, my work encompasses a wide scope. IN ADDITION to the already overloaded duties within the Accounts Department, and sometimes Front Office issues, I'm also required to deal with HR matters, involving the dirty job of handling unhappy and unreasonable people. And yes, fxxk you all for non-stop harrassment).

There's just not much fight left in me to meet the deadlines and handle the auditors when the time comes. Wish I could really run away, to a place where no one knows me.

FxxK, FxxK, FxxK!