I'm in need of...

... someone to give me a push to move forth!

Now that I have finally commenced on my online studies through Uni of SA, it dawns on me how much a source of motivating forces your peers can be! They are always there to remind you that no matter how hard things get, you still gotta push on. They are there to remind you not to give up once you have decided to commit into something. They are there to cheer you up by painting a glossy picture of possibilities once you have reached the end of the tunnel.

I really miss my long-gone school days, with the best pals I had. They were such an encouraging and motivating bunch, so much that I wished I could immediately vanish back into time, where they are always there to share the laughter and sorrows. Even just sitting down over a cup of coffee and bitch about life with friends makes me feel so much better than before, knowing that i'm not alone.

It made me miss not only the support, but the infrastructure a real campus offer. Professors and lecturers who are there to speak to.

It made me realise as much as I used to think I was a loner and how independent I am back then, it was never true until I have experienced real loneliness that chills me to the bone, like the cold of brutal wintery winds. It feels like you are fighting a battle on your own- you can never win.

Going through the same torturous motions of assignments, course readings and exams made me regretting giving up my prev degree course, which I had already endured for 2 years. I blame no one since it was a decision that I have voluntarily made. Am suffering the consequences of starting all over again with little strength and conviction to do it.

I hate to wake up every morning and having to battle real hard with the soul inside of me, trying to reason why I have to do finish my work in the most efficient time, so that I can get more time after to spend on my lecture readings and pen down my assignments.

I'm struggling with more than lethargy everyday. What I'm need to fight against is the lack of concentration to do what I need to do, and the lack of will to do it! It's gotten to more than being physically tired, where drinking two cans of Red-Bulls and no amount of coffee would offer any relief at all.

I too realise that something needs to be done- I'm still thinking if I should just stop working for a few months and take a real break. It's really no use fighting a losing battle everyday, especially with my concentration level plunging to a new low each day! But then the consequences of getting work makes me afraid. I am just starting to build a good resume that people of my age can hardly achieve. But how far do I want to go? I can't think of a reason why I am in this line, other the financial rewards the job offers.

Now, tell me, is it happiness or pragmatism that matters here?