I'm in need of...

... someone to give me a push to move forth!

Now that I have finally commenced on my online studies through Uni of SA, it dawns on me how much a source of motivating forces your peers can be! They are always there to remind you that no matter how hard things get, you still gotta push on. They are there to remind you not to give up once you have decided to commit into something. They are there to cheer you up by painting a glossy picture of possibilities once you have reached the end of the tunnel.

I really miss my long-gone school days, with the best pals I had. They were such an encouraging and motivating bunch, so much that I wished I could immediately vanish back into time, where they are always there to share the laughter and sorrows. Even just sitting down over a cup of coffee and bitch about life with friends makes me feel so much better than before, knowing that i'm not alone.

It made me miss not only the support, but the infrastructure a real campus offer. Professors and lecturers who are there to speak to.

It made me realise as much as I used to think I was a loner and how independent I am back then, it was never true until I have experienced real loneliness that chills me to the bone, like the cold of brutal wintery winds. It feels like you are fighting a battle on your own- you can never win.

Going through the same torturous motions of assignments, course readings and exams made me regretting giving up my prev degree course, which I had already endured for 2 years. I blame no one since it was a decision that I have voluntarily made. Am suffering the consequences of starting all over again with little strength and conviction to do it.

I hate to wake up every morning and having to battle real hard with the soul inside of me, trying to reason why I have to do finish my work in the most efficient time, so that I can get more time after to spend on my lecture readings and pen down my assignments.

I'm struggling with more than lethargy everyday. What I'm need to fight against is the lack of concentration to do what I need to do, and the lack of will to do it! It's gotten to more than being physically tired, where drinking two cans of Red-Bulls and no amount of coffee would offer any relief at all.

I too realise that something needs to be done- I'm still thinking if I should just stop working for a few months and take a real break. It's really no use fighting a losing battle everyday, especially with my concentration level plunging to a new low each day! But then the consequences of getting work makes me afraid. I am just starting to build a good resume that people of my age can hardly achieve. But how far do I want to go? I can't think of a reason why I am in this line, other the financial rewards the job offers.

Now, tell me, is it happiness or pragmatism that matters here?

A year older- To grief over?

Another painful day at work!

It also marks another uneventful day, save for a few sms-es and email greetings from friends, for someone who is turning a year older again!

Some people outgrow birthdays as they get older. It's in fact something to grief for if one looks back and finds more to regret over. Negativity never stops... Especially so for me...

Somehow, I'm grateful for the kind thoughts showered by some friends. Silly me shredded some tears as I read K's message:

"Happy Birthday to You
Happy Birthday to You....
Though you are one year older but congrats for having grown wiser and prettier!!!
Just have confidence in yourself and do your best in whatever you believe in. Life's about having fun hence enjoy and experience what comes along :) To live in this world is the greatest gift and hence we've got to treasure the time we've had. Enjoy your precious day !!!"

Is there something worth working for in life? Perhaps, to learn how to unveil the beauty in it, day by day, as I age.

Wish me luck then! =)

Feeling really tired and isolated. The bad feelings just won't go away.

I hate the way things are going now. I hate where I live, I hate the people around me, and I hate being the most lonely person in the world. I basically hate anything and everything in my pathetic world. If there is a way for me to make everyone else feel bad for the rest of their lives, I will take it up right away, at all costs.

It's scary how I feel that certain stages of my life had been a living nightmare.

I'm really tired, but why can't I sleep at all???

I'm so exhausted- just done tidying up the folders for the famil group tmr! And yes, you're right, I have not gotten anything important done for myself today!

I wonder why I have to do the job for someone who just took the day off on premise that she is sick!!! Oh bitch, watch it, I promise that I will give you one hell of a time tmr!

I wonder why I have to put up with stagnant salary, and swallow my complains even with bigger responsibilities stuffed in my face!

I wonder how people can get away with doing a shit job!

I wonder how people can get away without having a stinking reputation that stick with them forever!

I just have to wonder why God has got to be so fucking unfair to me! Nothing seems to be on my side, and what about the bad lots for everything?!



Now tell me...

How could I stay positive and convince myself that tmr will be a better day, if things get progressively worse?

How could I look forward to tommorrow if I don't even know what's there to look forward to?

How could I think of a future when I'm almost convinced that God has no future for me?

Life is such a bitch! Please, let me vanish at this instance!

I've gone through my weekends without getting anything constructive done! Something's bad going on in my life, and it's slowly killing me.

I hate to admit it, but I think I could have very well lost it. The sense of purpose in life is gone- I can't love, I can't be happy, and I don't want to know about tommorrow. Everything is driving me insane!

Somehow, my of late chocolate binges, uncontrolled spending impulses, and lack of concentration aren't there for a reason. I wish I could just vanish into thin air right now!

If you think this post is anything entertaining for a table topic or gossips among friends, please yourself then. What others think of me no longer matters.

For all I know, I'm dying a slow death inside.

"Solitude non e essere soli, e amare gli altri inutilmente" -Mario Stefani

Another one of those pensive nights- I wonder if there is someone out there who could empathise with the solitary walker?

I'm just struggling at work... Finding it hard to focus recently, and needless to say, I haven't been able to get much done. It's taken me a painful one and a half week to get my May's reports out, with loose details to tie in still! The best part is, while that is happening, there are 101 other tasks on the list waiting to be ticked off.

There are just too much things thrown in my court at the moment. I'm practically handling the workload of 3 persons- ranging from Payroll to Human Resource Administration, Accounts Payable to Receivable, and then an on-going project with Risk Management. Oh yeah, not to forget, I have got to fix the leaks in internal control, and keep up with the corporate policies and procedures. No, wait, I've yet to mention the weight of the swanky title of "Assistant Financial Controller" on me. Be very aware of the expectations and responsibilities that come with it!

Imagine being hit by this dreaded sensation of.... WOW-I'M-SO-OVERWHELMED, once the office door swings open in your face every morning! That's how much I loathe work!!

I know I shouldnt be complaining- shouldn't I be thankful that I have at least got a career to stress over?

The early knock-off today should hopefully help me to unwind a bit and catch up on my readings, which in turn helps to relieve part of my pressure!

The semester has just started for my self-paced degree program. To juggle between full-on work, and studies isn't as easy as I have thought. It's only the first week and I feel that I'm pretty behind time with the readings. The slow shipment, which was accordingly due to new semester peak, doesn't help the situation much either, especially with an assignment that is due in 4 weeks time!

It looks like I might have to postpone my Hong Kong/ Japan trip this year if I want to be able to finish 4 units each year! Delayed gratification is the key to reason this out with myself.

And then there's my month-end reports which I'm struggling to finish. Oh dearie, the world is crashing down on me! Ha!

I can't complain much, not if I want a good career for myself. With the proper qualifications and the invaluable experience I'm gaining day by day, I'm pretty sure that I can carve out a good career. It takes endurance and time management to get to my ends. I need the conviction to push on =)

Nonetheless, there are ways to make it up for myself... I'm going to the hair salon tmr to get a new colour and perhaps a new hairdo (im still undecided about getting my long hair snipped off), and not forgetting the facial to soothe my skin-under-stress... and perhaps check out the brown boots that I wanted for winter? =P

I deserve to be pampered!

Off to bed now- have promised myself to wake up at 6am to go through my study notes and get a hang of what's going on at the learning portal.

Feeling somewhat awful tonight...

It is just strange to think that someone actually do (or perhaps, did) still treat me as a friend after all, despite all the mean things I have done. To think that it was humanly possible to overlook my pettiness and the way I look at the world with narrow lenses!

There're indeed certain things in life that are hard to measure and judge. And life has surprised me in an amazing way- by proving to me that such wonderful personality exists!