Looking back on the person I am, I hate to admit that I can't communicate, and my instant reaction to problems is to pretend that they don't exist.

And I suffer from being unable to build meaningful relationships. I often lament about how empty my life feels, and how people do not care about me. SL started to point out to me that it's not a case of people not caring about me. I have a problem in not being able to communicate and relate to others. Worse, I only want friends to see me at my best, and try really hard to hide all of my vulnerabilities. That itself, is a major cause of isolation. At the end of the day, everyone sees a perfectionist as unapproachable, and hard to associate with.

The problem has been going for so long that I can't even see what is vulnerable in me. Everytime a negative emotion hits, I try to sweep it under the carpets, or just sleep on it. A new day would eventually come, and it will be burried deep in my mind. At the turn of every misunderstanding, be it on my part, or on someone else's part, instead of clearing the air, I'd just run away. I hate to question things, because I'm afraid of the truth. Or rather, I'm afraid of the preconceived negative picture of what others may think of me behind all these misunderstanding. It may or may not exist. I get worked up, and would only think of the worst of myself, and of others. These practices start to get a little too comfortable and grow into an incorrigible habit, until I start reaping the consequences.

There have been countless relationships I've given up on, by just running away. Looking back, I feel ashamed letting go of friends who have been so important to me, or a relationship that I might have able salvage and bear fruit.

Indeed, I have really created a huge fairy tale out of my life. Often, people would tell me how much they envy me. But, what everyone don't see (or believe) is, I am often quite an unhappy soul. Something might amuse me for a short while. Be it a successful project I have completed at work, or a compliment from the boss, and, extending to material things like, purchasing yet another new handbag for myself, or a holiday with my sister or friends. Happiness is merely a short stint for me. It might have to do with the lack of contendment. I seem to have an insatiable hunger for everything, and don't know where to stop.

But the real challenge is to decide, who can I bare my heart to, and who can I really trust? Things tend to get abit too complicated at times.

Afterall, what SL has said is true. Only people who has exceptional patience and bond with me would make an effort to initiate the communication. Or, a mind-reader who takes interest in my life? With this, I have to thank my dad for not giving up on me, although I have been pretty strong-willed in my ways and have acted against his advice all the time. No matter what happens or how far I try to run, he would always be there with his gentle confrontation. All for my own good.

Anyway, I'm considering closing this blog, and starting another annoymous one elsewhere. I have been wanting to get back into writing for abit. Both reading and writing has always been an enjoyable mission to me. Lately, I find myself with much incohesion and my language has been plain, and infact, pretty unappealing.

Photo updates of my life will still be posted in my FB account, which will hopefully, come across alot more subdued and meaningful than before. Just to get rid of the frivolous fairy-tale image...

I know that many friends would hop onto my blog every now and then. If you wish to have access to my new blog, just email or drop me a message on my msn =)

Sure, everyone will, at some stage, realise that life isn't always like a bed of roses. But if I were to turn back time, I'd rather savour those happy, carefree days, as opposed to putting it to an end so abruptly. Silly I was!

Obviously, I didn't quite expect the detorioriation.

As every new day presents itself in an ever more gloomy picture, the zest for life evaporates. Nothing means anything to me anymore. Sweet wine tastes as bland as water and, the sky no longer looks attractive in its deep blue shade. Emotions begins to wane, and I wonder if I could feel anything at all.

It all feels very strange to me, and I just can't work out what is best for me to do now. Am I just bursting into one of my moody, emotional tirade? But didn't I just mention that I'm left without much emotions in me?

An atheists' advertising campain on many of the London's public buses reads,

"There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life"

I think it's hilarious. This advertising slogan seems to remind me how I have lost all faith in everything- justice, ethics, religion, relationships, you name it.

Religion, to me, is just about another political organisation. If you're not clear, think about the motivation behind, say for example, Crusades and Holy wars then. I have spoken blasphemy? I might have, to a fair few.

With religious issues aside, how many of us actually question things under the layers of superfical conveyance by the multi-media and perhaps pause to think about why certain things are included, or excluded from our history education?

The truth is, we're living in an immoral world today, but yet, I don't understand why we still bother trying hard to pretend to be moral beings. So, maybe, if there's at least one thing that is real, it has to be conscience. I'm somehow glad that I don't have to graduate and become a teacher. How could I teach and supposedly inspire the lives of others when I don't even know what is moral and what is not now? Everyday, I wake up to these grey hues, and struggle with deciphering colours of black and white.

A real persimistic post for today, isn't it? My cynicism is getting infectious. I'm probably reading too much into things again. I probably just need a carefree break soon, to get myself outta the trap.

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There are brighter things than this of course. I'm a vain somebody, who loves to capture every moment of my youth, the moment where a particular style clings to me like a perfect mould.

This would often materialise into vanity shots, which I'm convinced to keep with me for the rest of my lives, and look back with great fondness when I'm old and grey.

And there we are, with fine food again on a lazy Saturday, at Bonnefoi Boulevard. It's one of my favourite places in Bunbury, with sheltered waterfront and an upmarket feel. A new hotel along the stretch, I think it's Mantra, had its official opening recently. I'd think that it's going to be great!

Looking at all these beautiful things around me, in these suburban areas I've been living in, coupled with a few ideas I have read from a novel recently, makes me feel like wanting to do a little tour package and just bring people to experience an insider's world where most travel agencies do not offer. Travelling can be so affordable and enriching without forgoing simple luxuries.

Lastly, I've finally enjoyed a good saturday with SL, without any emergency calls to attend to. The last few weeks, back from weeks leading up to Christmas have been one hell of a trying time for us. We do hold differing priorities in life sometimes, and understanding needs to be especially strong for us.

The desire for couples to try and make time for each other is important. If the promise to grow old together, and stick together for better and for worse has to hold, then time commitment to nuture the relationship is of essence. The longer a relationship is allowed to deteriorate or taken for granted, the harder it is to get it back up to scratch.

I'm looking forward to the long-awaited break. Hopefully, no last minute surprises as before!

So, is there anything else for me to write about, besides work grouses that revolves around the same theme of being over-worked? I guess not actually.

My emotions had been whirled up after a strange conversation with someone today. I call it strange, because the topic just popped up from nowhere, and it felt as if it had hit the core of the problem I have been trying to bury at the back of my mind. Or perhaps, there's more reasons for the huge wash of emotions. And it's really strange as certain fond, but reserved memories came flooding in.

And then the conversation moved on to something a lil' uncomfortable. Or perhaps I'm just overly-sensitive. Anyhow, I knew that the conversation has to stop. One, for practical reasons (I would like to be working during working hours). Two, I'm not sure, and am afraid of where the conversation is heading.

People do change over time. It felt especially so with that someone. Oh well, I'm probably reading into things abit too much.

I remembered the lingering pain in the eyes of ex-lovers, as I secretly observed the hug that Jo and Ad gave each other on her last day of work here, about 2 months ago by now. Love does brings us both happiness and sadness. All of a sudden, the flame of love flickers, and you realise that both essence of emotions waivers with it. Parting with each other then seem to be no chore at all, as everything gets lost in the wind. If only all breakups are that amicable of course! For we all know, love usually ends in pain for the unwilling party.

I'm not sure what I'm really driving at actually. I just need to get the anxious little butterflies out of my stomach. That's all.

On the other hand, I'm feeling kinda afraid of my own changing behaviour and preferences. I'm basically quite afraid of meeting new people and hate going to social events nowadays. Even if I do, I'd be cringing with shyness at a corner, and praying secretly that the misery would be over soon. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life. All that is comforting is to hide in my hole and be a loser. I'm hating somone at the back of my mind for making me feel inferior about myself. By now, those words and actions have taken away quite a chunk of me. I hate those poison, and I hate myself even more by allowing someone to do this to me.

I don't want to sound like a half-crazed fool by getting all emotional. Getting my priorities right is the most important thing at the moment. What I need now is get myself ready for the next level of challenge, and reap new success in my life. I'm not refering to career per se. This must not be the only thing we strive for in life. I need to rebuild myself and the happiness I wished for. Something can be done to get things right again.

And finally, may I extend the well-wishes that I have sent via SMS to a few friends in Singapore to anyone who may see this:

"Dear friends, hope you're looking forward to new goals and continue to nuture meaningful relationships in the coming new year."

Sent on NYE

For I know, there are always many spots in this world where many others are going through a greater deal of challenges in life. Hope this brief (and not so personal) greeting would brighten your day.

P/s: I now see a whole new meaning in blogs- as we read into the lives of others, we see a part of us in the mirrors of their lives.

Just a quick random post...


The stock take audit went okie on NY day. It was a huge rush, and quite a mission to tabulate the figures in time for the auditors while fighting against the hunger pangs and half-alert state from working the night before. My panic button was triggered as time closed in for the audit to commence. Whatever it is, I'm glad that it's finally over, for now.


Went for a drive after work that day, and here are some photos...

More from today... I'm becoming quite a foodie recently. Have found a new love in Northern Indian food. And it was Chicken Butter Curry from the Ship Resort on Friday night.

I'm jumping right into ASOS sales. A peek at what I've got...

It's prob a wee bit too small. Wait till they arrive then =)