Live, Love and Laugh

Looking back on the person I am, I hate to admit that I can't communicate, and my instant reaction to problems is to pretend that they don't exist.

And I suffer from being unable to build meaningful relationships. I often lament about how empty my life feels, and how people do not care about me. SL started to point out to me that it's not a case of people not caring about me. I have a problem in not being able to communicate and relate to others. Worse, I only want friends to see me at my best, and try really hard to hide all of my vulnerabilities. That itself, is a major cause of isolation. At the end of the day, everyone sees a perfectionist as unapproachable, and hard to associate with.

The problem has been going for so long that I can't even see what is vulnerable in me. Everytime a negative emotion hits, I try to sweep it under the carpets, or just sleep on it. A new day would eventually come, and it will be burried deep in my mind. At the turn of every misunderstanding, be it on my part, or on someone else's part, instead of clearing the air, I'd just run away. I hate to question things, because I'm afraid of the truth. Or rather, I'm afraid of the preconceived negative picture of what others may think of me behind all these misunderstanding. It may or may not exist. I get worked up, and would only think of the worst of myself, and of others. These practices start to get a little too comfortable and grow into an incorrigible habit, until I start reaping the consequences.

There have been countless relationships I've given up on, by just running away. Looking back, I feel ashamed letting go of friends who have been so important to me, or a relationship that I might have able salvage and bear fruit.

Indeed, I have really created a huge fairy tale out of my life. Often, people would tell me how much they envy me. But, what everyone don't see (or believe) is, I am often quite an unhappy soul. Something might amuse me for a short while. Be it a successful project I have completed at work, or a compliment from the boss, and, extending to material things like, purchasing yet another new handbag for myself, or a holiday with my sister or friends. Happiness is merely a short stint for me. It might have to do with the lack of contendment. I seem to have an insatiable hunger for everything, and don't know where to stop.

But the real challenge is to decide, who can I bare my heart to, and who can I really trust? Things tend to get abit too complicated at times.

Afterall, what SL has said is true. Only people who has exceptional patience and bond with me would make an effort to initiate the communication. Or, a mind-reader who takes interest in my life? With this, I have to thank my dad for not giving up on me, although I have been pretty strong-willed in my ways and have acted against his advice all the time. No matter what happens or how far I try to run, he would always be there with his gentle confrontation. All for my own good.

Anyway, I'm considering closing this blog, and starting another annoymous one elsewhere. I have been wanting to get back into writing for abit. Both reading and writing has always been an enjoyable mission to me. Lately, I find myself with much incohesion and my language has been plain, and infact, pretty unappealing.

Photo updates of my life will still be posted in my FB account, which will hopefully, come across alot more subdued and meaningful than before. Just to get rid of the frivolous fairy-tale image...

I know that many friends would hop onto my blog every now and then. If you wish to have access to my new blog, just email or drop me a message on my msn =)